Million Dollar Arm
is schmaltz at its schmaltziest. It’s
not a horrible film, to be sure, and I’d dare say that it’s a competent one,
but my god is it the same generic Disney schmooze that we’ve seen again and
again and again from virtually every single one of their sports-themed
live-action inspiration-fests. It falls
so deep into the pits of mediocrity that there isn’t even that much to say
about it, but I spent two hours watching the damn thing, so I’m going to give
the film a full review.
BJ Bernstein, played by Jon Hamm being as Don Draper as he
usually is, is a sports agent who is down on his luck and needs a big signing
to pull his agency out of the red. While
watching TV one night, he gets the idea to go to India, recruit young cricket
fans through a game show called “Million Dollar Arm,” and take the winners and
groom them into baseball pitchers. This
would function both as a publicity stunt and open up a huge market to baseball
fandom in India. What follows is a story
of taking the two winners to the U.S., along with a quirky wannabe baseball
coach, and teaching them the ropes of baseball while getting them accustomed to
American life.
Despite the baseball theming, this isn’t really as much a sports
drama as it is a coming-of-age story for BJ.
The romantic interest is immediately identifiable by virtue of being the
only real character with breasts, and, through her, BJ comes to identify his
young protégés as the kids he never had.
As his focus becomes less business-like and tries to relate more to the
budding athletes, BJ becomes the patriarch of a symbolically nuclear
family. It’s so cheesily Disney that
every major plot point was easily predictable from the first act.
But being formulaic isn’t really a knock against a film,
though it is up to the film’s director and producers to rise above conventions
to deliver something new and interesting, and this film fails in that
respect. By being exactly the cute,
family-oriented sports-themed drama that you expect, it never exhibits any
ambition to be something memorable, and ultimately feels like a waste of
time. There’s nothing outright bad about
the film, but it’s such a by-the-numbers affair that there’s no way to
recommend it over any of the other uninspired denizens of the Wonderful World
of Live-Action Disney. If this is your
chosen film genre and don’t mind forgetting everything about it after it’s
over, Million Dollar Arm might be
worth a rental. Everyone else shouldn’t
even bother.
Coach Carter.
Mircale. Incredible. The Mighty Ducks. I could go on.
Have a favorite? Is it possible
to have a favorite beyond just preferring the sport on display? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.
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