Thursday, May 15, 2014

"I, Frankenstein": I, Stopped Caring

Now Available on DVD and Blu-Ray

I’m sincerely happy that some movies are so bad that they’re immediately forgettable.  After all, my brain has plenty of other things taking up space in it, vital things like stuff from school or work or much better movies.  And I am so happy that I, Frankenstein’s offenses to my brain cells will probably be cleansed shortly after finishing this review.  I wasn’t expecting a good film, and I didn’t get one.  What we have here is a generic plot realized through some lazy and misguided screenwriting with no memorable characters or scenes.  It’s precisely the type of bad movie that I hate watching, but thankfully there should be no lasting after effects.

The plot of this film is pretty basic, though you wouldn’t be able to tell from the film’s opening.  Adam is Frankenstein’s monster, who has survived to the present day.  Demons exist, and they either want Adam or Dr. Frankenstein’s research so that they can raise an army of demon-possessed soulless replicas of Adam.  It’s up to Adam to stop them.  Pretty simple, right?  Can’t mess that up too bad, right?  Well, apparently you can, because the film’s first thirty minutes, a full third of its runtime, is devoted to establishing a largely unimportant war between gargoyles and demons in which Adam is a reluctant participant.  The gargoyles stick around for the rest of the movie, but so much attention is given to expositing the context of the action that there’s never any time devoted to characterizing anyone, least of all Adam.  By the time we get to the actual main plot of the film, it’s hard to keep caring because the film hasn’t given us anything to care about.

What I did end up caring about, though, was the lack of consistency any of the so-called characters displayed in their actions.  The gargoyle queen seems to constantly go back and forth on whether Adam is a lost soul in need of redemption or a beast that needs to be put down, alternatively helping him and attempting to kill him.  The head demon is so obviously evil that even as he adopts a human corporate persona, I had to wonder how anyone would be naïve enough to think his efforts to scientifically resurrect the dead were benign.  Even Adam has a bizarre shift in mood at the end of the film, going from dark and brooding to… well, still dark and brooding, but with a soul now apparently?  Honestly, it didn’t make a lot of sense, and I’m not going to waste time trying to reason it out.

The effects-driven action scenes aren’t anything to write home about either.  The editing is horrible, making it difficult to even tell what’s going on behind all the dated particle effects constantly buffeting the screen.  That’s probably because there’s minimal fight choreography, meaning that the flashy effects need to make up for the lack of anything real happening on-screen.  Furthermore, these fight scenes primarily seem to happen because the screenwriter just didn’t know how to continue or conclude a particular dialogue and instead typed “FIGHT SCENE” to make up for his lack of creativity.

At the end of the day though, the best thing I can say about this movie is that it’s barely ninety minutes long.  It’s a piece of shit from beginning to end, but at least it doesn’t last long enough to leave a bad taste in its wake.  That’s not an endorsement to watch it by any stretch.  I found nothing redeeming about the film itself.  I’m just saying that I’m glad that I’ll easily be able to forget this one.

Can you think of any film’s you’d rather just forget?  Let me know in the comments below.

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